Update

We sold our house in Glenrock and moved to Casper. We sold, moved, and closed in 3 weeks. I think that is a record. So I've been a little busy. I managed to get one of my best friends mad at me, dig a 2 foot square hole in my back yard to pump the sewage, paint the floor in the laundry room, clean out a garage (with husband), and go back to Denver to see my doctor to change my medication a little bit. I also ran out of Ativan (helps me sleep) for 2 days. The first night wasn't to bad but the second night it wasn't until 4am that I got to sleep. Wow when I type it all out I realize how much I really did. So hopefully I will give better updates from now on. My goal is to share my experiances as I see them.

Home Sweet Home

I got home Friday. Spent some needed time with Matt and went to church on Sunday. One of my good friends told me that I seem really medicated. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I need the medication to regulate my moods, but I still want to be funny and have a good time. Maybe I wasn't as funny as I thought I was.

THANK YOU

Kiora and Adam for being here for us financially and emotionally!!!! I will never know the things you have had to sacrifice to take us in. I hope you know I appreciate all you do for Jack and I. You have saved my life and given Jack a steady safe home. I will never be able to re-pay you for all you have done for us. Don't hesitate to make us try. We will always be in debt to you. Thank You Beth and Doug for paying for my shrink and the meds that have stabilized my moods. Both together have gotten me on a steady course for recovery and given me tools for when the next mood hits. To my husband thanks for working hard to get the everyday bills that still need to be paid paid.

Remember

Bipolar disorder is something that you have,

but it is not who you are.

Acceptance...

"Why is the process of acceptance so painful? Coming to terms with having the disorder may mean admitting to a new role for yourself in your family, in the workforce, or in your personal relationships. It may require you to make some decisions about restructuring your life and priorities, which may mean viewing yourself differently."

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide

location 745

Personality Changes Before and After

Certaintly, a longstanding mood disorder-especially if it has not been treated-canprofoundly affect your attitudes, habits, and styles of relating to others. It can also require lifestyle changes that are a lot like changes in personality. But if you were really free of your mood disorder symptoms for a long period of time, would you go back to being the way you were before the illness began?

pg. 65 the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide

It took 7 years from the time I was treated for depression to be diagnosed bi-polar. Do I need to re learn a new attitude, habits, and styles of relating to others?

Subtypes of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar I Disorder

• At least one lifetime episode of manic or mixed disorder
• Although not required for the diagnosis, at least one lifetime episode of major depressive disorder

Bipolar II Disorder

• At least one lifetime episode of hypomaniac disorder
• At least one lifetime episode of major depression

Bipolar Disorder with rapid cycling

• Meets criteria for bipolar I or bipolar II disorder
• Four or more episodes of major depressive disorder, manic disorder, mixed disorder, or hypomanic disorder in any one year.

I'm lucky and have Bipolar I with rapid cycling .

If you are misdiagnosed as having depression alone, for example, your doctor might recommend standard antidepressant medication (for example Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, or Wellbutrin) with a mood stabilizer like lithium. If you are actually bipolar, this treatment regime could make you swing into mania.

Fortifying yourself with information makes it easier to manage your life and minimizes the disabilities that bipolar disorder can cause.

pg. 31-32 the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide

Today

What a day.

Family

Not surprisingly, those who returned to high-conflict families had more manic and depressive episodes (recurrences) within nine months after their hospitalization than those who returned to low-conflict families.

The Bipolar Survival Guide

location 1236

Progress

My Dr. told me today that I'm on all the right meds at the right doses. Yay! No more changes, for a long time (Hopefully). So one step out of the way. Now we need to sell our house. And get my support system in Casper set up. So excited. That means closer to home.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you..."

"On the night of the greatest suffering the world has ever known or will ever know, he said 'Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you....Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid' (John 14:27). I submit to you that may be one of the Savior's commandments that is, even in the hearts of the otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints, almost universally disobeyed; and yet I wonder whether out resistance to this invitation could be any more grievous to the Lord's merciful heart. I can tell you this as a parent: As concerned as I would be if somewhere in their lives one of my children were seriously troubled or unhappy or disobedient, nevertheless I would infinitely more devastated if I felt that at such a time that child could not trust me to help, or should feel his or her interest were unimportant to me or unsafe in my care. In that same spirit, I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior...when he finds that his people do not feel confident in his care or secure in his hands or trust in his commandments."

(Jeffery R. Holland)

Once a week

Once a week I have a little meltdown. I get whiney and cry and stuff. So my sister in law has to remind me why I am away from my family. I'm here for the right Dr's and someone who can be with me 24-7 until my meds are regulated. Jack just brought me a picture he drew of him and me and Papa all together with hearts around it and at the top the hearts burst into more hearts. So cute. I think he is just as homesick as I am, to have our little family together again.

This is awesome

Check out to the right "This is awesome".

I'm still Tanya

I'm still Tanya. I still laugh (like everyone else) I still get mad (like everyone else would). I still get happy (like everyone else). I still have feelings just like everyone else. I love (like everyone else). I cry (like everyone else). When I have these feelings it doesn't mean I'm having an episode, or that I'm over reacting. Sometimes I do over react and I have to apoligize later. I have to check myself and hope those around me will also. This is not a statement to anyone in paticular. I have someone who is paying for my treatment, one who is working hard for my insurance, and one who is emotionally supporting me. I can't be any luckier. I love you guys and you all know who you are. I need more understanding.

I need friends and family to understand this is an illness not a handicap or an attitude. I can lead a normal life with the right medications. I can almost be just as normal as you. Research has shown you are born bi-polar. And it takes 8-9 years from your first episode to be diagnosed. Mine was all the hormone changes in pregnancy. So yay!! it only took 7 years for me. I am not handicapped, I can see, smell, hear, walk just like you. I just do it different. I don't have to have a wheelchair or hearing aids or go to chemo. My treatment is getting on the right meds which can take 6-9 months, sometimes longer.

The Trials...

"Sometime in the eternities to come, we will see that our trials were calculated to cause us to turn to our Heavenly Father for strength and support. Any affliction or suffering we are called upon to bear may be directed to give us experience, refinement, and perfection."

--Delbert L. Stapley, "The Blessings of Righteous Obedience", Ensign, Nov. 1977

Record Books

There has to be some kind of record for two woman and husband and kids living together for two months with out a huge melt down!!!

MEDICATION BLAH!

My Dr changed my meds back down because it was making me to tired. I was such a zombie for the first six hours of my day. After one day of the lower dose, I decided to stop taking it. I felt great. I cleaned out Kiora's basement (your welcome). And cleaned my whole corner of the basement also. Kiora asked me what was going on. I thought it was great. I felt like my old self. All productive. Than she found out I was taking my meds the way I was supposed to. Not a smart thing. I only gave it one day, my body wasn't use to the change yet. So back on the right stuff and now Kiora has to give me the meds. Sorry Kiora. I never thought someone cared that much. Maybe that is some of my issues. Oh my pshycologist is going to love Friday......

Guess

Every morning when I come downstairs, I go looking for you to find out what kind of night it has been. It greatly influences each and every day.

I am finding out just how important sleep really is. I have always cherished my sleep. But now I cherish yours too and pray it will be a good sleep filled night.

Unfortunantly it isn't always.

Half the time we can figure out why you didn't sleep. I wish we could figure out the rhyme or reason for the other half of the time.

It is everyone's best guess.

No Sleep for you!

I'm starting to hate the hours between 11pm and 6am. I'm going to have to start playing World of Warcraft again.

Remember

He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it.

Everyone needs a little bit of humor...

Remember that through all of this that isn't fun and is very stressful, we need to find humor. If we didn't we would loose our minds. (Maybe it is too late for that!)

Medication Change AGAIN!!!

I got my medication change again. And it knocks me out. The Dr said that he gave me a high dose so I have been trying to get it manageable. I took one in the morning and one at bedtime, knocked me out for the night oh and during the day. So now I'm trying to take just one tonight. We will find out tomm. how it worked.

Have Patience

Have patience

have patience

Don't be in such a hurry

When you get impatient

you always start to worry

Remember

Remember

God is patient too
so think of all the times when others
have to wait for you

Alma 7:23

"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easyto be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive."

My sis-in-law keeps sing the "have paitence" song. I have none, by the way.

Bipolar Research

In all the research my sister-in-law has done. The most constant is getting support and therapy. I'm lucky to have her to be my rock. I can focus on keeping myself together everyday. While she does all the work and I just work on me. She is amazing. If you don't have a person like this, it is critical that you get into a therapy group to help you cope and provide you with the tools you will need to survive. I will never be able to express how thankful I am for her and how selfless she is.

Today I had a hard time sitting still. I think I could of wore a path in her carpet just walking back and forth wringing my hands. Racing thoughts. I hate that. I really thought I was going to have to be admitted. But the hospitals don't like to take you unless you are suicidal. So I was able to take a little meds and took a 2 hour nap and I felt better. If I didn't havae Kiora on top of it I don't know what I would have done. I think they call those manic episodes. Man they suck.

"Fear and Faith cannot coexsist in our hearts at the same time. In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith. Jesus said "Be not afraid, only believe."

Elder Neil L. Anderson (Conference November 2008)

Mosiah 3:19

"For the natural man is an enemy to God...unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

Really Bad Day

Yesterday was a really really really bad day. My Dr has to take me off of Seroquel (the only thing working) a little at a time. Yesterday I hit a wall. My feet and ankles were swollen all the way up to my knees. Oh and I found out my potassium is low. Which is easy to take care of (just another pill). But I crashed. I was back at the beginning emotionally. Thank goodness Kiora was here and she called the Dr. He was able to do some magic with my prescriptions and I slept a full night and feel so much better. But I still have a long way to go. Like my feet and legs are still swollen etc..

I have a hard time remembering anything short term and I miss my son fiercely. I know that I have this illness. But it is awesome that Kiora has been there from the start and done so much research. She understands when I have a bad day it isn't anything personal. Sometimes I can't physically and mentally help it. Thanks again Kiora. Love you.

Research

I think we owe it to eachother to put in the time and energy to research the situation and find out the most that we can. Prayer and Reading. How can we be of help otherwise?

Side Effects!!!!

Today is an emotional roller coaster.  I played Monopoly with family and I almost cried when I won because I felt so bad.  Anyone who knows how competitive I am would laugh. 

I have to come off  one drug because the side effects have been so bad.  So I'm going to be happy than sad than mad than happy than sad than mad than blah blah blah blah blah.

There is a solution in sight.  A light at the end of the tunnel.  I really feel if I can get the meds regulated I will feel 100%. 

Time

We are biding our time right now and trying to keep positive thoughts.

Praying for the time to move quickly.

Enduring...

"One of your greatest tests, the one you get graded on, may well be how your respond to the depressed man, woman, teenager, or child you love. The person who causes you so much frustration and anguish and tears may in fact, be placed in your life by Heavenly Father as a way of providing you with a chance for your greatest blessings. I have learned that some of your most significant opportunities come heavily disguised. You may have passed all the quizzes and midterms of mortality only to be given a final examination that shows your Savior how much you love Him by the way you serve one of His terribly wounded sheep."

Deliverance from Depression

page 65

Goals?

I made contact with a therapist today.  She seemed very nice over the phone.  She specializes in family, marriage, and individual couseling.  I think she would be great to help my little family to sit down and talk about what bipolar is.  And how bipolar will change our lifes.  I really think that my little boy needs someone to talk to.  He worries about me so much.  And I don't think my husband knows what to do.  So even though she doesn't specialize in bipolar I think she can help.  She told me if she thought I would need someone else to help she would tell me. 

Goal for Today

Find a therapist that specializes in bipolar today.

The ER

Just trying to get all the meds regulated.  I was so bloated my hands, feet, and tummy were tight as a drum.  I still look like I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  I had a lot of chest pressure, so when I wrote that on the admitting papers.  I was rushed right back.  So if you want to get in fast remember, chest pressure or pain.  Everything turned out fine.  We waited for 4 hours for a Dr said it was fine for us to go.  So Kiora had a lot of fun taking pictures.  

Bipolar Wednesday

A GOOD Day

I actually slept 8 hours last night.  We (me and Dr, and SIL) have been working with a great Dr for about a month.  And today was a good day.  Not manic, not depressing, not antsy, just normal.  I did have my moments but I think everyone has moments.  I woke up thankful it was 6am and not 11pm.  The only drawback is all the meds I'm on.  But they work.  I also recieved a B-Day present from my Mom.  It was very inspired.  Thanks Mom. I also have started to do some research and I am finding a lot oof hope out there.  There may not be a cure, but there are preventive measures I can take so my highs and lows are more even.  

Support

Today more than before, I know I need an awesome support system.  I feel so lucky.  I know that if I needed anything they would drop whatever and come to help me.   I think the key to beating this or coping with it is to not give up hope.  Today I was really sleepy and emotional.  And me an Kiora wrote up a list of side effects I'm enjoying.

Coping

I need to learn some coping mechinisims, when I get bored, and figety.  Any suggestions?.

Remember

I need you to remember a few things...

• We love you
• We are behind you
• Sometimes there are things going on in other aspects of our lives that are beyond our control.
• Sometimes things make us sad, mad, tired, irritable, and we loose our patience. But that doesn't mean we don't still love you.
• I am here until we are 80 years old living with our dogs and being quirky old ladies.
• And I am being selfish, the last few days have been about me. It doesn't mean I love you any less, it just means I have things going on also that made me nervous and apprehensive.
• Also, I love you, and again I am here through the good and the bad.

Changes

Bi-polar  is not recognized in society as a disease.  I always feel like I'm being analyzed.  When someone finds out.  I have yet to get my meds to a good plave.  I'm always tired grouchy, irritable, and have no paitience.  I HATE THIS!!!!!!

The Day

Today was one of those days, I felt that I was a burden on everyone.  My husband is bugged by me, my son is mad and sad at me, and my sis-in-law is worn out by me.  I hate it when people have conversations about you,  like they think you can't handle whatever it is they have to say.  So obviously we haven't found the right combination of drugs yet!!

just a some info....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyramine

http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/action-plans-3229-143.html

I found this interesting.   Like most dieseases if you have a healthy diet you can control your illness a little better.

Family and Friends

WOW a lot has happened.  I hate trying new medications.  Wah wah hate it.  I decided to open this blog to anyone to see.  My sister-in-law, and husband are able to post on this also.  So you can get all sides of the story.  I'm currently staying with my sister-in-law so she can help with Jack on those "bad days".  We are hoping to get meds regulated by August so I can be independant again.  By the way she is the best.  My husband is home 4 hours away trying to work hard so he can keep the bills paid and meds paid for and doctors paid for etc.... But I miss him so much.  I know this is so stressful for him.  So I hope everyone finds this helpful.  Because here we go.

HOPE

There is hope. I went to see Kiora's family Dr. He is AWESOME. He took an hour with me. Asked tons of questions. Explained what he thought was the best approach to getting me on the road to recovery. He diagnosed me wiht bipolar. He explained how it effects me. It was like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I could do this. He got me on some meds and wants me to see him in a week so we can up the meds. He wants to do a little at a time so my body has time to adjust to the new way of thinking and doing things. He also encouraged me to see a counseler. He said the counseler was like a physical therapist. They will help me cope with my illness and teach me different exercises when I feel an "episode" coming on. Thank goodness for Doctors who care and take the time to try and make you better. Thanks Dr. E. I also had been doing a lot pf praying that he would be inspired to start me with the right treatment. So prayers do work. Thank You Heavenly Father. I think looking back in the past I can see my cycle. And it cycles every two years. So I just need to be mindful of that. Now I just need to learn new coping exercises.

Is it the end or the a new beginning

Today Matt and I decided that I need professional help (serious). I need to be somewhere I can have family support all the time. So I'm going to stay
with Kiora until I can get my meds regulated and feel normal again. I feel like I've finally took the mask off that I've been wearing for 15 years. I can remember going on long hikes in the mountains and wondering if I could disappear. Of course I was to big of a chicken. The thought of actually starving or being uncomfortable kept me going back home. I think about all the crazy stuff I've done. Wondering if I did it just hoping I would get myself killed. (I did some crazy things). At one time I thought drinking would be the cure. By the way it didn't help. It was fun and I did get to disappear from reality for a little while. But it always came back and than I felt guilty. It was a vicious circle. I tried smoking. That was nice. A little nicotine was a great stress reliever. But than I realized that I didn't want to die of lung cancer. So that brings me to now. I hope I can find something that will work for me.

Friends

I have an incredible friend. She always takes the time to listen to me. Sometimes I feel like I am taking advantage of her. She assures me that I am not and she would tell me if I was. Can you imagine how that conversation would go?!

I can only hope to be half as good of a friend as she is.

I have seen the Lords hand in all of my friends. He always sends the right ones at the right time. It is sad to see them go when The Lord feels they have served their purpose. I hope that Kiora will always be around. She is my rock. She understands when I am sad, and tells me when I'm being ridiculous. And she doesn't insist on hugs. Which if you know me you know that I'm not a touchy feely sort of person. I can see her and I living together, after our husbands die. We would each have our own little doggy and we would go shopping all the time and take trips to the spa. She is so fun to be around and always makes me feel good about myself.

Again, I can only hope to be half as good a friend as she is. Love you Kiora.

Discovery!!!

I knew that I was depressed. Suicidal thoughts aren't normal?.....right?. Whenever I would have these thoughts it scared me. I'm to big of a chicken to do anything. I also knew in my heart how selfish suicide is. Since I was old enough to understand what suicide was I knew that there would be consequences when I died. Now that I am married and have a beautiful child, I could never leave them with such a horrible memory of me. Suicidal thoughts is only one of the symptoms that I was acutely aware of. There are many symptoms; loss of appetite, insomnia, lack of interest, over reaction to emotional situations, and many others. These are just a few that are apparent to me and my situation.

Depression is not a recognized medical condition in my family. Depression is looked at as a condition that can be fasted and prayed away. I do believe that my Heavenly Father is able to cure this disease and any other disease he sees fit to cure. But I also believe that we are given trials in this life to test us. This is my trial. Depression is a real medical condition and can be managed with the right treatment.

After the birth of my beautiful child I started taking medications. My Dr. said it was the "Baby Blues". I understood this condition as a hormonal imbalance and should cure itself within 6 months tops. When the 6 months was up I was not cured. Since this time I have tried many medications at different doses paired with different medications. Right now I am on one medication and it seems to take the edge off. Currently I am sick of changing my medications. It is hard to go to bed at night not knowing what I will feel like in the morning. With the meds I am on now it keeps the edge off and I know what to expect. The meds do not help me feel like myself though. I have a hard time feeling anything, except sadness. Otherwise it is a blank feeling.