Is it the end or the a new beginning

Today Matt and I decided that I need professional help (serious). I need to be somewhere I can have family support all the time. So I'm going to stay
with Kiora until I can get my meds regulated and feel normal again. I feel like I've finally took the mask off that I've been wearing for 15 years. I can remember going on long hikes in the mountains and wondering if I could disappear. Of course I was to big of a chicken. The thought of actually starving or being uncomfortable kept me going back home. I think about all the crazy stuff I've done. Wondering if I did it just hoping I would get myself killed. (I did some crazy things). At one time I thought drinking would be the cure. By the way it didn't help. It was fun and I did get to disappear from reality for a little while. But it always came back and than I felt guilty. It was a vicious circle. I tried smoking. That was nice. A little nicotine was a great stress reliever. But than I realized that I didn't want to die of lung cancer. So that brings me to now. I hope I can find something that will work for me.

Friends

I have an incredible friend. She always takes the time to listen to me. Sometimes I feel like I am taking advantage of her. She assures me that I am not and she would tell me if I was. Can you imagine how that conversation would go?!

I can only hope to be half as good of a friend as she is.

I have seen the Lords hand in all of my friends. He always sends the right ones at the right time. It is sad to see them go when The Lord feels they have served their purpose. I hope that Kiora will always be around. She is my rock. She understands when I am sad, and tells me when I'm being ridiculous. And she doesn't insist on hugs. Which if you know me you know that I'm not a touchy feely sort of person. I can see her and I living together, after our husbands die. We would each have our own little doggy and we would go shopping all the time and take trips to the spa. She is so fun to be around and always makes me feel good about myself.

Again, I can only hope to be half as good a friend as she is. Love you Kiora.

Discovery!!!

I knew that I was depressed. Suicidal thoughts aren't normal?.....right?. Whenever I would have these thoughts it scared me. I'm to big of a chicken to do anything. I also knew in my heart how selfish suicide is. Since I was old enough to understand what suicide was I knew that there would be consequences when I died. Now that I am married and have a beautiful child, I could never leave them with such a horrible memory of me. Suicidal thoughts is only one of the symptoms that I was acutely aware of. There are many symptoms; loss of appetite, insomnia, lack of interest, over reaction to emotional situations, and many others. These are just a few that are apparent to me and my situation.

Depression is not a recognized medical condition in my family. Depression is looked at as a condition that can be fasted and prayed away. I do believe that my Heavenly Father is able to cure this disease and any other disease he sees fit to cure. But I also believe that we are given trials in this life to test us. This is my trial. Depression is a real medical condition and can be managed with the right treatment.

After the birth of my beautiful child I started taking medications. My Dr. said it was the "Baby Blues". I understood this condition as a hormonal imbalance and should cure itself within 6 months tops. When the 6 months was up I was not cured. Since this time I have tried many medications at different doses paired with different medications. Right now I am on one medication and it seems to take the edge off. Currently I am sick of changing my medications. It is hard to go to bed at night not knowing what I will feel like in the morning. With the meds I am on now it keeps the edge off and I know what to expect. The meds do not help me feel like myself though. I have a hard time feeling anything, except sadness. Otherwise it is a blank feeling.