Is it the end or the a new beginning

Today Matt and I decided that I need professional help (serious). I need to be somewhere I can have family support all the time. So I'm going to stay
with Kiora until I can get my meds regulated and feel normal again. I feel like I've finally took the mask off that I've been wearing for 15 years. I can remember going on long hikes in the mountains and wondering if I could disappear. Of course I was to big of a chicken. The thought of actually starving or being uncomfortable kept me going back home. I think about all the crazy stuff I've done. Wondering if I did it just hoping I would get myself killed. (I did some crazy things). At one time I thought drinking would be the cure. By the way it didn't help. It was fun and I did get to disappear from reality for a little while. But it always came back and than I felt guilty. It was a vicious circle. I tried smoking. That was nice. A little nicotine was a great stress reliever. But than I realized that I didn't want to die of lung cancer. So that brings me to now. I hope I can find something that will work for me.