I'm still Tanya

I'm still Tanya. I still laugh (like everyone else) I still get mad (like everyone else would). I still get happy (like everyone else). I still have feelings just like everyone else. I love (like everyone else). I cry (like everyone else). When I have these feelings it doesn't mean I'm having an episode, or that I'm over reacting. Sometimes I do over react and I have to apoligize later. I have to check myself and hope those around me will also. This is not a statement to anyone in paticular. I have someone who is paying for my treatment, one who is working hard for my insurance, and one who is emotionally supporting me. I can't be any luckier. I love you guys and you all know who you are. I need more understanding.

I need friends and family to understand this is an illness not a handicap or an attitude. I can lead a normal life with the right medications. I can almost be just as normal as you. Research has shown you are born bi-polar. And it takes 8-9 years from your first episode to be diagnosed. Mine was all the hormone changes in pregnancy. So yay!! it only took 7 years for me. I am not handicapped, I can see, smell, hear, walk just like you. I just do it different. I don't have to have a wheelchair or hearing aids or go to chemo. My treatment is getting on the right meds which can take 6-9 months, sometimes longer.

The Trials...

"Sometime in the eternities to come, we will see that our trials were calculated to cause us to turn to our Heavenly Father for strength and support. Any affliction or suffering we are called upon to bear may be directed to give us experience, refinement, and perfection."

--Delbert L. Stapley, "The Blessings of Righteous Obedience", Ensign, Nov. 1977

Record Books

There has to be some kind of record for two woman and husband and kids living together for two months with out a huge melt down!!!

MEDICATION BLAH!

My Dr changed my meds back down because it was making me to tired. I was such a zombie for the first six hours of my day. After one day of the lower dose, I decided to stop taking it. I felt great. I cleaned out Kiora's basement (your welcome). And cleaned my whole corner of the basement also. Kiora asked me what was going on. I thought it was great. I felt like my old self. All productive. Than she found out I was taking my meds the way I was supposed to. Not a smart thing. I only gave it one day, my body wasn't use to the change yet. So back on the right stuff and now Kiora has to give me the meds. Sorry Kiora. I never thought someone cared that much. Maybe that is some of my issues. Oh my pshycologist is going to love Friday......

Guess

Every morning when I come downstairs, I go looking for you to find out what kind of night it has been. It greatly influences each and every day.

I am finding out just how important sleep really is. I have always cherished my sleep. But now I cherish yours too and pray it will be a good sleep filled night.

Unfortunantly it isn't always.

Half the time we can figure out why you didn't sleep. I wish we could figure out the rhyme or reason for the other half of the time.

It is everyone's best guess.

No Sleep for you!

I'm starting to hate the hours between 11pm and 6am. I'm going to have to start playing World of Warcraft again.

Remember

He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it.

Everyone needs a little bit of humor...

Remember that through all of this that isn't fun and is very stressful, we need to find humor. If we didn't we would loose our minds. (Maybe it is too late for that!)

Medication Change AGAIN!!!

I got my medication change again. And it knocks me out. The Dr said that he gave me a high dose so I have been trying to get it manageable. I took one in the morning and one at bedtime, knocked me out for the night oh and during the day. So now I'm trying to take just one tonight. We will find out tomm. how it worked.

Have Patience

Have patience

have patience

Don't be in such a hurry

When you get impatient

you always start to worry

Remember

Remember

God is patient too
so think of all the times when others
have to wait for you

Alma 7:23

"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easyto be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive."

My sis-in-law keeps sing the "have paitence" song. I have none, by the way.

Bipolar Research

In all the research my sister-in-law has done. The most constant is getting support and therapy. I'm lucky to have her to be my rock. I can focus on keeping myself together everyday. While she does all the work and I just work on me. She is amazing. If you don't have a person like this, it is critical that you get into a therapy group to help you cope and provide you with the tools you will need to survive. I will never be able to express how thankful I am for her and how selfless she is.

Today I had a hard time sitting still. I think I could of wore a path in her carpet just walking back and forth wringing my hands. Racing thoughts. I hate that. I really thought I was going to have to be admitted. But the hospitals don't like to take you unless you are suicidal. So I was able to take a little meds and took a 2 hour nap and I felt better. If I didn't havae Kiora on top of it I don't know what I would have done. I think they call those manic episodes. Man they suck.

"Fear and Faith cannot coexsist in our hearts at the same time. In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith. Jesus said "Be not afraid, only believe."

Elder Neil L. Anderson (Conference November 2008)

Mosiah 3:19

"For the natural man is an enemy to God...unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

Really Bad Day

Yesterday was a really really really bad day. My Dr has to take me off of Seroquel (the only thing working) a little at a time. Yesterday I hit a wall. My feet and ankles were swollen all the way up to my knees. Oh and I found out my potassium is low. Which is easy to take care of (just another pill). But I crashed. I was back at the beginning emotionally. Thank goodness Kiora was here and she called the Dr. He was able to do some magic with my prescriptions and I slept a full night and feel so much better. But I still have a long way to go. Like my feet and legs are still swollen etc..

I have a hard time remembering anything short term and I miss my son fiercely. I know that I have this illness. But it is awesome that Kiora has been there from the start and done so much research. She understands when I have a bad day it isn't anything personal. Sometimes I can't physically and mentally help it. Thanks again Kiora. Love you.

Research

I think we owe it to eachother to put in the time and energy to research the situation and find out the most that we can. Prayer and Reading. How can we be of help otherwise?

Side Effects!!!!

Today is an emotional roller coaster.  I played Monopoly with family and I almost cried when I won because I felt so bad.  Anyone who knows how competitive I am would laugh. 

I have to come off  one drug because the side effects have been so bad.  So I'm going to be happy than sad than mad than happy than sad than mad than blah blah blah blah blah.

There is a solution in sight.  A light at the end of the tunnel.  I really feel if I can get the meds regulated I will feel 100%. 

Time

We are biding our time right now and trying to keep positive thoughts.

Praying for the time to move quickly.

Enduring...

"One of your greatest tests, the one you get graded on, may well be how your respond to the depressed man, woman, teenager, or child you love. The person who causes you so much frustration and anguish and tears may in fact, be placed in your life by Heavenly Father as a way of providing you with a chance for your greatest blessings. I have learned that some of your most significant opportunities come heavily disguised. You may have passed all the quizzes and midterms of mortality only to be given a final examination that shows your Savior how much you love Him by the way you serve one of His terribly wounded sheep."

Deliverance from Depression

page 65

Goals?

I made contact with a therapist today.  She seemed very nice over the phone.  She specializes in family, marriage, and individual couseling.  I think she would be great to help my little family to sit down and talk about what bipolar is.  And how bipolar will change our lifes.  I really think that my little boy needs someone to talk to.  He worries about me so much.  And I don't think my husband knows what to do.  So even though she doesn't specialize in bipolar I think she can help.  She told me if she thought I would need someone else to help she would tell me. 

Goal for Today

Find a therapist that specializes in bipolar today.

The ER

Just trying to get all the meds regulated.  I was so bloated my hands, feet, and tummy were tight as a drum.  I still look like I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  I had a lot of chest pressure, so when I wrote that on the admitting papers.  I was rushed right back.  So if you want to get in fast remember, chest pressure or pain.  Everything turned out fine.  We waited for 4 hours for a Dr said it was fine for us to go.  So Kiora had a lot of fun taking pictures.  

Bipolar Wednesday

A GOOD Day

I actually slept 8 hours last night.  We (me and Dr, and SIL) have been working with a great Dr for about a month.  And today was a good day.  Not manic, not depressing, not antsy, just normal.  I did have my moments but I think everyone has moments.  I woke up thankful it was 6am and not 11pm.  The only drawback is all the meds I'm on.  But they work.  I also recieved a B-Day present from my Mom.  It was very inspired.  Thanks Mom. I also have started to do some research and I am finding a lot oof hope out there.  There may not be a cure, but there are preventive measures I can take so my highs and lows are more even.