Home Sweet Home

I got home Friday. Spent some needed time with Matt and went to church on Sunday. One of my good friends told me that I seem really medicated. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I need the medication to regulate my moods, but I still want to be funny and have a good time. Maybe I wasn't as funny as I thought I was.

THANK YOU

Kiora and Adam for being here for us financially and emotionally!!!! I will never know the things you have had to sacrifice to take us in. I hope you know I appreciate all you do for Jack and I. You have saved my life and given Jack a steady safe home. I will never be able to re-pay you for all you have done for us. Don't hesitate to make us try. We will always be in debt to you. Thank You Beth and Doug for paying for my shrink and the meds that have stabilized my moods. Both together have gotten me on a steady course for recovery and given me tools for when the next mood hits. To my husband thanks for working hard to get the everyday bills that still need to be paid paid.

Remember

Bipolar disorder is something that you have,

but it is not who you are.

Acceptance...

"Why is the process of acceptance so painful? Coming to terms with having the disorder may mean admitting to a new role for yourself in your family, in the workforce, or in your personal relationships. It may require you to make some decisions about restructuring your life and priorities, which may mean viewing yourself differently."

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide

location 745

Personality Changes Before and After

Certaintly, a longstanding mood disorder-especially if it has not been treated-canprofoundly affect your attitudes, habits, and styles of relating to others. It can also require lifestyle changes that are a lot like changes in personality. But if you were really free of your mood disorder symptoms for a long period of time, would you go back to being the way you were before the illness began?

pg. 65 the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide

It took 7 years from the time I was treated for depression to be diagnosed bi-polar. Do I need to re learn a new attitude, habits, and styles of relating to others?

Subtypes of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar I Disorder

• At least one lifetime episode of manic or mixed disorder
• Although not required for the diagnosis, at least one lifetime episode of major depressive disorder

Bipolar II Disorder

• At least one lifetime episode of hypomaniac disorder
• At least one lifetime episode of major depression

Bipolar Disorder with rapid cycling

• Meets criteria for bipolar I or bipolar II disorder
• Four or more episodes of major depressive disorder, manic disorder, mixed disorder, or hypomanic disorder in any one year.

I'm lucky and have Bipolar I with rapid cycling .

If you are misdiagnosed as having depression alone, for example, your doctor might recommend standard antidepressant medication (for example Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, or Wellbutrin) with a mood stabilizer like lithium. If you are actually bipolar, this treatment regime could make you swing into mania.

Fortifying yourself with information makes it easier to manage your life and minimizes the disabilities that bipolar disorder can cause.

pg. 31-32 the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide

Today

What a day.

Family

Not surprisingly, those who returned to high-conflict families had more manic and depressive episodes (recurrences) within nine months after their hospitalization than those who returned to low-conflict families.

The Bipolar Survival Guide

location 1236

Progress

My Dr. told me today that I'm on all the right meds at the right doses. Yay! No more changes, for a long time (Hopefully). So one step out of the way. Now we need to sell our house. And get my support system in Casper set up. So excited. That means closer to home.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you..."

"On the night of the greatest suffering the world has ever known or will ever know, he said 'Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you....Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid' (John 14:27). I submit to you that may be one of the Savior's commandments that is, even in the hearts of the otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints, almost universally disobeyed; and yet I wonder whether out resistance to this invitation could be any more grievous to the Lord's merciful heart. I can tell you this as a parent: As concerned as I would be if somewhere in their lives one of my children were seriously troubled or unhappy or disobedient, nevertheless I would infinitely more devastated if I felt that at such a time that child could not trust me to help, or should feel his or her interest were unimportant to me or unsafe in my care. In that same spirit, I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior...when he finds that his people do not feel confident in his care or secure in his hands or trust in his commandments."

(Jeffery R. Holland)

Once a week

Once a week I have a little meltdown. I get whiney and cry and stuff. So my sister in law has to remind me why I am away from my family. I'm here for the right Dr's and someone who can be with me 24-7 until my meds are regulated. Jack just brought me a picture he drew of him and me and Papa all together with hearts around it and at the top the hearts burst into more hearts. So cute. I think he is just as homesick as I am, to have our little family together again.

This is awesome

Check out to the right "This is awesome".

I'm still Tanya

I'm still Tanya. I still laugh (like everyone else) I still get mad (like everyone else would). I still get happy (like everyone else). I still have feelings just like everyone else. I love (like everyone else). I cry (like everyone else). When I have these feelings it doesn't mean I'm having an episode, or that I'm over reacting. Sometimes I do over react and I have to apoligize later. I have to check myself and hope those around me will also. This is not a statement to anyone in paticular. I have someone who is paying for my treatment, one who is working hard for my insurance, and one who is emotionally supporting me. I can't be any luckier. I love you guys and you all know who you are. I need more understanding.

I need friends and family to understand this is an illness not a handicap or an attitude. I can lead a normal life with the right medications. I can almost be just as normal as you. Research has shown you are born bi-polar. And it takes 8-9 years from your first episode to be diagnosed. Mine was all the hormone changes in pregnancy. So yay!! it only took 7 years for me. I am not handicapped, I can see, smell, hear, walk just like you. I just do it different. I don't have to have a wheelchair or hearing aids or go to chemo. My treatment is getting on the right meds which can take 6-9 months, sometimes longer.

The Trials...

"Sometime in the eternities to come, we will see that our trials were calculated to cause us to turn to our Heavenly Father for strength and support. Any affliction or suffering we are called upon to bear may be directed to give us experience, refinement, and perfection."

--Delbert L. Stapley, "The Blessings of Righteous Obedience", Ensign, Nov. 1977

Record Books

There has to be some kind of record for two woman and husband and kids living together for two months with out a huge melt down!!!

MEDICATION BLAH!

My Dr changed my meds back down because it was making me to tired. I was such a zombie for the first six hours of my day. After one day of the lower dose, I decided to stop taking it. I felt great. I cleaned out Kiora's basement (your welcome). And cleaned my whole corner of the basement also. Kiora asked me what was going on. I thought it was great. I felt like my old self. All productive. Than she found out I was taking my meds the way I was supposed to. Not a smart thing. I only gave it one day, my body wasn't use to the change yet. So back on the right stuff and now Kiora has to give me the meds. Sorry Kiora. I never thought someone cared that much. Maybe that is some of my issues. Oh my pshycologist is going to love Friday......

Guess

Every morning when I come downstairs, I go looking for you to find out what kind of night it has been. It greatly influences each and every day.

I am finding out just how important sleep really is. I have always cherished my sleep. But now I cherish yours too and pray it will be a good sleep filled night.

Unfortunantly it isn't always.

Half the time we can figure out why you didn't sleep. I wish we could figure out the rhyme or reason for the other half of the time.

It is everyone's best guess.

No Sleep for you!

I'm starting to hate the hours between 11pm and 6am. I'm going to have to start playing World of Warcraft again.

Remember

He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it.

Everyone needs a little bit of humor...

Remember that through all of this that isn't fun and is very stressful, we need to find humor. If we didn't we would loose our minds. (Maybe it is too late for that!)