Support

Today more than before, I know I need an awesome support system.  I feel so lucky.  I know that if I needed anything they would drop whatever and come to help me.   I think the key to beating this or coping with it is to not give up hope.  Today I was really sleepy and emotional.  And me an Kiora wrote up a list of side effects I'm enjoying.

Coping

I need to learn some coping mechinisims, when I get bored, and figety.  Any suggestions?.

Remember

I need you to remember a few things...

• We love you
• We are behind you
• Sometimes there are things going on in other aspects of our lives that are beyond our control.
• Sometimes things make us sad, mad, tired, irritable, and we loose our patience. But that doesn't mean we don't still love you.
• I am here until we are 80 years old living with our dogs and being quirky old ladies.
• And I am being selfish, the last few days have been about me. It doesn't mean I love you any less, it just means I have things going on also that made me nervous and apprehensive.
• Also, I love you, and again I am here through the good and the bad.

Changes

Bi-polar  is not recognized in society as a disease.  I always feel like I'm being analyzed.  When someone finds out.  I have yet to get my meds to a good plave.  I'm always tired grouchy, irritable, and have no paitience.  I HATE THIS!!!!!!

The Day

Today was one of those days, I felt that I was a burden on everyone.  My husband is bugged by me, my son is mad and sad at me, and my sis-in-law is worn out by me.  I hate it when people have conversations about you,  like they think you can't handle whatever it is they have to say.  So obviously we haven't found the right combination of drugs yet!!

just a some info....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyramine

http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/action-plans-3229-143.html

I found this interesting.   Like most dieseases if you have a healthy diet you can control your illness a little better.

Family and Friends

WOW a lot has happened.  I hate trying new medications.  Wah wah hate it.  I decided to open this blog to anyone to see.  My sister-in-law, and husband are able to post on this also.  So you can get all sides of the story.  I'm currently staying with my sister-in-law so she can help with Jack on those "bad days".  We are hoping to get meds regulated by August so I can be independant again.  By the way she is the best.  My husband is home 4 hours away trying to work hard so he can keep the bills paid and meds paid for and doctors paid for etc.... But I miss him so much.  I know this is so stressful for him.  So I hope everyone finds this helpful.  Because here we go.

HOPE

There is hope. I went to see Kiora's family Dr. He is AWESOME. He took an hour with me. Asked tons of questions. Explained what he thought was the best approach to getting me on the road to recovery. He diagnosed me wiht bipolar. He explained how it effects me. It was like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I could do this. He got me on some meds and wants me to see him in a week so we can up the meds. He wants to do a little at a time so my body has time to adjust to the new way of thinking and doing things. He also encouraged me to see a counseler. He said the counseler was like a physical therapist. They will help me cope with my illness and teach me different exercises when I feel an "episode" coming on. Thank goodness for Doctors who care and take the time to try and make you better. Thanks Dr. E. I also had been doing a lot pf praying that he would be inspired to start me with the right treatment. So prayers do work. Thank You Heavenly Father. I think looking back in the past I can see my cycle. And it cycles every two years. So I just need to be mindful of that. Now I just need to learn new coping exercises.

Is it the end or the a new beginning

Today Matt and I decided that I need professional help (serious). I need to be somewhere I can have family support all the time. So I'm going to stay
with Kiora until I can get my meds regulated and feel normal again. I feel like I've finally took the mask off that I've been wearing for 15 years. I can remember going on long hikes in the mountains and wondering if I could disappear. Of course I was to big of a chicken. The thought of actually starving or being uncomfortable kept me going back home. I think about all the crazy stuff I've done. Wondering if I did it just hoping I would get myself killed. (I did some crazy things). At one time I thought drinking would be the cure. By the way it didn't help. It was fun and I did get to disappear from reality for a little while. But it always came back and than I felt guilty. It was a vicious circle. I tried smoking. That was nice. A little nicotine was a great stress reliever. But than I realized that I didn't want to die of lung cancer. So that brings me to now. I hope I can find something that will work for me.

Friends

I have an incredible friend. She always takes the time to listen to me. Sometimes I feel like I am taking advantage of her. She assures me that I am not and she would tell me if I was. Can you imagine how that conversation would go?!

I can only hope to be half as good of a friend as she is.

I have seen the Lords hand in all of my friends. He always sends the right ones at the right time. It is sad to see them go when The Lord feels they have served their purpose. I hope that Kiora will always be around. She is my rock. She understands when I am sad, and tells me when I'm being ridiculous. And she doesn't insist on hugs. Which if you know me you know that I'm not a touchy feely sort of person. I can see her and I living together, after our husbands die. We would each have our own little doggy and we would go shopping all the time and take trips to the spa. She is so fun to be around and always makes me feel good about myself.

Again, I can only hope to be half as good a friend as she is. Love you Kiora.

Discovery!!!

I knew that I was depressed. Suicidal thoughts aren't normal?.....right?. Whenever I would have these thoughts it scared me. I'm to big of a chicken to do anything. I also knew in my heart how selfish suicide is. Since I was old enough to understand what suicide was I knew that there would be consequences when I died. Now that I am married and have a beautiful child, I could never leave them with such a horrible memory of me. Suicidal thoughts is only one of the symptoms that I was acutely aware of. There are many symptoms; loss of appetite, insomnia, lack of interest, over reaction to emotional situations, and many others. These are just a few that are apparent to me and my situation.

Depression is not a recognized medical condition in my family. Depression is looked at as a condition that can be fasted and prayed away. I do believe that my Heavenly Father is able to cure this disease and any other disease he sees fit to cure. But I also believe that we are given trials in this life to test us. This is my trial. Depression is a real medical condition and can be managed with the right treatment.

After the birth of my beautiful child I started taking medications. My Dr. said it was the "Baby Blues". I understood this condition as a hormonal imbalance and should cure itself within 6 months tops. When the 6 months was up I was not cured. Since this time I have tried many medications at different doses paired with different medications. Right now I am on one medication and it seems to take the edge off. Currently I am sick of changing my medications. It is hard to go to bed at night not knowing what I will feel like in the morning. With the meds I am on now it keeps the edge off and I know what to expect. The meds do not help me feel like myself though. I have a hard time feeling anything, except sadness. Otherwise it is a blank feeling.